This one is not for the faint of heart, you’ve been warned!

In my last month living in Melbourne I walked into some bushes to film a picturesque music video and before I knew it, I felt something crawling up my leg. I thought: Ah yes, a cheeky slug has decided to acquaint itself with my right ankle! I kept playing my instrument, and sort of let it do its thing until it made it to my upper calf, when I realized it is moving much faster than any self-respecting slug should be.

It was not a slug. It was the largest and most eager of approximately 12 (!) land leeches that found their way up my boots and under my jeans. Nothing makes my skin crawl more than, well, things that crawl on my skin. I realized I had several more on my backpack and instrument case, plopping themselves around vigorously like black slimy inchworms, seeking blood. I furiously ran to the nearest road and practically stripped to my boxers in the middle of it, cursing the whole time as my stunned fiancee looked on. Turns out the leeches are harmless, but they were undulating their nasty selves all over my body and were darn near impossible to get off once their little mouthparts attach. In retrospect, it wasn’t all so bad, but it gave me nightmares for weeks.

In my other article about Aussie wildlife “not being that bad”, I said that we fear the unknown and the unexpected. This is certainly true, and I can only imagine how the first humans on the continent must have felt, with nothing but their imagination to say what was lurking there, waiting for them. I felt like I had to explore this topic in a bit more detail in a second post.

During my time in Queensland somebody told me about land leeches, but I assumed that’s just a tropical northern rainforest thing. Boy was I wrong! Basically, the scary things about Australian wildlife are what you don’t expect when you arrive.

Even being from other continents, pop culture gives us a background on some of the wildlife there. We know there might be snakes and spiders in the outback. We know there are jellyfish and sharks in the ocean and crocodiles in the rivers. These are easy to avoid, since we know they’re confined to those places. What we don’t know, and don’t expect is far worse in my eyes!

I remember my first experience getting swooped by a Magpie. So yea, Australia has these black and white birds that sound like R2D2 with a Welsh accent (see clips below). They are the size of a large crow and in the spring, a sizeable number of them choose to attack any and all moving human beings that approach within 100 metres of their nests. What’s more, every major city has them, so you don’t need to live in the sticks to encounter these flying monsters with their strange wardle eedle oodle call.

Most people know about Australia’s cockatoos and kookaburras, but these are quite benign birds. Nobody told me about the Magpies! Or the similar, but slightly smaller butcherbirds. Just the name alone conjures a terrifying image. These swooping birds fear nobody but god, especially if they think you’re too close to their nest. Cyclists, in fear of Magpies pecking their eyes out, install spikes on their helmets and wear protective goggles.

Now, don’t get me wrong. Magpies, like many of the creatures I encountered in Australia, are interesting and fascinating animals. I had the good fortune of only getting swooped a couple of times, and my other encounters with them were quite ok. With Magpies just as with humans, it’s only a small number of (predominantly male) d***heads that ruin it for everybody. The rest are perfectly reasonable beings, and might even have something interesting to say.

So yes, the wildlife is often not what you expect. The ubiquitous Aussie flies, for example, are lovely and come in three flavours:

• Big Buzzing Idiots
• Flying into all your orifices in search of salt
• Biting B*stards™

On hot, dry days in Melbourne when the wind blows from inland, Australia’s millions of outback dwelling kangaroos get a break from the action, while city residents get to enjoy a visit from some unexpected friends!

Speaking of inland, animals in the outback travel fast and come seemingly out of nowhere, so watch your speed and consider investing in bull bars to protect your vehicle if driving through the interior of the country.

In general, Australian wildlife isn’t usually life threatening if you are smart. I was not very smart and hit an emu going 120 Km/h in the outback, totalling our very nice Ford Focus with a (previously) perfect paint job. Don’t be like me. As Steve Irwin used to famously say, another coat of paint and we’d be finished!

As with any other country, do your research and you will be absolutely fine. Australia is a wonderful place full of interesting and unique places, nature and people. Respect that it is massive, full of surprises and often not in line with your pre-conceived notions of the place. As always, don’t be afraid to venture outside your comfort zone, but know what you’re getting yourself into first!

This is just one of my many posts in my Australia Series, which documents the many fascinating and surprising aspects of living in the great Land Down Under.

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