Australian wildlife has a reputation around the world for being at best unique and exotic, and at worst, absolutely terrifying. You know, man eating spiders the size of tanks, ten foot venomous snakes that wriggle into your sheets at night, drop bears, and so forth. As a Canadian who’s spent a year living and working all around Australia, I’d like to present my take on this. 

Australia is truly a magical land unlike any other. For tens of millions of years, its fauna and flora evolved largely undisturbed, until white people f***ed it up around 200 years ago. No stinging bees, no murder hornets, no singlet wearing blokes doing shoeies in the alley behind Hungry Jack’s. The wildlife and plant life was left to do its own thing and that led to some interesting creations.

Yes, Aussie nature is scary at times, but I can say from experience that it is totally not what you’d expect.

I had a firsthand encounter, up close and personal with one such frisky critter that nearly took me out along with Titi, our beloved Ford Focus (bless her soul, she is in a better place now). You can read about that here.

I’ve travelled far and wide, from the southernmost to the northernmost tip of the Australian continent and I’ve seen a lot of wild s**t. Wombats really do make square shaped poops, who would have thunk it.

I’ve encountered snakes that can kill 50 people with one bite. I’ve seen saltwater crocodiles up close. I’ve seen 4 foot long lizards, swam in shark infested waters and I’ve been attacked by land leeches. And yet, out of all the wildlife I’ve encountered, nothing compares to the experiences I’ve had back home in Canada, all in a month of being back.

You see, Australian wildlife tends to fall into two categories. Things we think are a hazard, and things that are actually a hazard. They largely do not overlap.

Taipans, with their venom strong enough to kill 100 people with one bite, are waaay out in the outback and you’d have to be very silly to step on one. They don’t chase you, they just want to be left alone! Funnel web spiders have fangs big enough to bite through your shoe, but they avoid people. They live in holes in the forest floor and a few unlucky suburban backyards near Sydney, but they won’t come out of their hole to attack unless you really piss them off. Same goes for crocodiles. Did you ever have the random desire to strip naked and swim in a muddy tropical river in the middle of the night? Of course! Who wouldn’t think that’s a good idea! 

The reality is that even though some of these animals do occasionally make it into the city or to where people live, you’re just not going to run into them and if you do, they’ll probably just leave you alone unless you go poke them with a stick (leave that to the professionals, Rest In Peace Stevo). 

Canadian wildlife on the other hand, is massive and comes very close to humans on a regular basis. Bears literally roam the suburban streets. Not a joke or a stereotype, they actually do, even in our nation’s capital. Cougars eat dogs and children, find their way into downtown parking lots, and infiltrate our rapid transit systems. If you’re in the backcountry, you’re reasonably likely to cross paths with a wolf, a grizzly bear or a moose, all of which are easily capable of tearing you in half in order to eat you or just for fun, if they feel like it.

While researching for this post I learned that surprisingly, like Australia, Canada is also home to several native venomous snakes, to top it off.

In Canada, I carry this when hiking, because you never know when you might run into a marauding animal in the forest. I’ve come close to using it twice on charging bears in the three years I’ve carried it.

Coming back to Canada I realized our wildlife is actually way more exciting and a lot more likely to kill you! In my first month back, I encountered a pack of coyotes while cycling at night, and got charged by a mother bear because I had the audacity to be too close as her cubs suddenly crossed my path. Not once did I think a snake or an emu was going to disembowel me 5 minutes from my house in Australia. Here it’s already happened twice, so far.

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The reality is that we fear the unknown and the unexpected most. The relative unfamiliarity with Aussie wildlife gives people this false impression that it is somehow more dangerous than what they have back home, when it most likely isn’t. Cows kill far more people than sharks do, and there have been no deaths from a spider bite in Australia since 1979.

Read Part II, Gross and Scary Aussie Wildlife, here.

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